Motherhood

It has been many years since I wrote in this blog and I am amazed about how much I have changed but mostly from how much I haven't. But the biggest change is that now I am a mother two little humans that I adore with all my existence. And there is no bigger love that the one for our kids. You can call it biological, survival of species, love, attachment, learned behavior, whatever! It is the biggest love... and with big love many changes happen in people. In my case I have become better in all senses. I manage my time better, I have to "put it together" all the time in front of my children and everybody and that is a self-control that nobody could enforce on me. When motherhood hit me it changed me forever and there was not coming back.. you would never be the same, you can't understand yourself in the past and the future is full of anxiety. And what is the feeling that more often I feel?.... GUILT. Being a parent is about guilt about everything... guilt move us in all directions and doesn't matter what we do... we could always have done better. All these things are coming to my head as I am sitting here at 11:00pm on a Friday after having one of the hardest days of my life and it involved my daughter. Everything I know as a Mom and even as a Therapist was tested.. and I am exhausted of trying extremely hard today to be the perfect mother. I can't be explicit about the events to protect my family's privacy but I can tell you that I felt so much fear of losing what I have, my kids, my life, and kids are my life. It is true that kids should not be everything for a parent, that we should have more things to leave... but I will be honest here... BS! We live for our kids (well most of us) and it is a state beyond we can comprehend. I think this is where evolution kicks in because this feeling is so strong that has maintain families together and civilizations surviving. Often I think how an act of procreation so common and mundane can be at the same time the most amazing phenomenon. Becoming a parent is a miracle every time for everybody yet it is so common! I have to leave and rest because tomorrow my kids will not forgive that their mother felt philosophical.